i'm a sucker for half smiles.

the flood gates open but nothing comes out.

2012-01-18T03:02:00.000+08:00

honest to God.

i don't know what i have been up to lately and the type of person i have been.

i haven't been keeping up healthy functioning relationships with my closest peers (all of them).
i haven't been keeping up healthy functioning relationships with my family members.
i haven't been keeping up a healthy functioning relationship with my better half.

i don't know what i have been doing. i honestly don't know who or where i am at right now.

this is interterm.

2012-01-11T03:45:00.000+08:00

BUSY.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. WHENEVER/WHEREVER.

hello new year.

2012-01-04T22:53:00.001+08:00

right. that time of the year again. the new year i mean.

i am grateful. i really am. i don't know how we happened.

(well, i know how we happened with that night that i started texting you and the events just prior to that. that i know and remember. but what i don't know or cannot seem to recall is when exactly is how we got comfortable. how we got affectionate. how we got to laughing over stupid things together.)

but it doesn't matter. i am thankful it happened. and i am thankful it still is.

also, my brother is enlisting in 3 months.

had a problem with my account on christmas morning.

2011-12-26T15:45:00.000+08:00

happy holidays!

i only celebrate christmas socially and non religiously. but i have to say it's been a good weekend. or rather a good christmas.

some downs here and there lately. but i've been trying to work through them.

also. i have a skateboard. thank you fizah for helping me out. (:

fire and dust.

2011-12-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

we've all got bridges.

to burn or to cross or to leave it to decay and test out against the wind and storm?

sometimes you have the questions. and they have the answers. but neither match. because everyone's got too much bloody pride to admit they were in the wrong.

i still miss it. all of it.

but i never assumed. you did.

felt like it killed me. i think it did a little.

2011-12-09T00:37:00.002+08:00

and that sums up the past 6 hours.

it's always otherwise when you think you're not helping much.

2011-11-24T22:17:00.000+08:00

when in well and actual fact, you are. helping a lot.

i can't quite explain it but your very presence just lifts up my mood. tremendously. it's hard to keep being mad or you or just be mad like how it's hard to be mad at a kitten who just pee-d all over your carpets.

all the anger is just not worth it when i realise all the non-negativity that comes with you.

another attempt at thanking you comes across as a decent one. but somewhat messy all the same.

i know what i could do without you. but i would rather, with you.

i don't know what i should need.

2011-11-24T01:42:00.002+08:00

but i know i want nothing more than time, and in the pleasure of your company.

half the battle is won.

2011-11-20T23:04:00.001+08:00

because my mom already likes you. well, at least she seems to like you.

the other half comes with accepting me for who i am and what you really mean to me.

that's the tough half.

how do i stand you?

2011-11-06T01:12:00.000+08:00

when you're annoying and do not know how to keep quiet?
making jokes from bad television?
non-stop giggling and laughing from bad jokes?

(it's that split second moment when you're eyes start tearing up after hearing bad news.
when you keep your gaze low because you're angry.
that spark you get when you're aware i'm looking right at you.)

well, it's a lot of things. but mostly i think it's because i love you.
and still am in love with you.

i am tired.

2011-10-31T23:57:00.001+08:00

tired of trying to keep my mind at ease.

tired of trying to keep my heart at ease.

tired of trying to keep both at one place at any given time. at the place it needs to be.

tonight i am nothing but terrified.

2011-10-30T22:59:00.000+08:00

terrified because today isn't remotely a good day. the people in this house haven't been happy in a long while.

right now, my brother doesn't know what went on today.
me and my dad both don't know where my mum went out to earlier.
my dad is currently lying down in the living room and i'm not sure if he'll be sleeping in his bed with my mum tonight.
also, i'm not sure if she locked him out of the room.

a lot of things i'm not sure of and i want to know.

i am terrified because everything feels like an utter mess. and i don't know what to do about it. my dad hasn't talked to me in a month. maybe more. i lost count. and i'm not sure if he's going to any time soon. it's all very frustrating.

the relationships in this house are off and it's frightening.

it really is.

but it still would be nice.

2011-10-30T11:13:00.000+08:00

you are being immature and childish by not talking to me and pretending that i do not exist.

yet all i want right now is for you to talk to me.

i don't know what i just did.

2011-10-24T01:33:00.001+08:00

i wish i hadn't.

we colour our own hours.

2011-10-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

so maybe in my head thing's have been messy lately. a lot of things going on that i would like to just stop and eradicate from every aspect of everything.

i apologise. i am rushing this out cause i really am too bloody tired to want to even try write this proper.

point is. generally, i am happy. very happy really. things with a certain individual are just going fine and brilliant. honest to god, i don't think i've ever been in such a place in my entire life before. as in, where my heart and mind is with this.

this deserves a better post. you deserve a better appreciation post. i'll get to it soon. i'll try.

unnerving.

2011-10-09T09:28:00.000+08:00

when you call number to get a 'The number you have dialed is not in service.'

you're not sure if you should keep trying. but when you do, you get the same reply.

and the person who is suppose to be at the other end of the line is still angry and you and will most probably be for a long time.

shut me down. quiet now. quiet now.

2011-10-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

parental unit found a packet of rollies on my table. the rollies belong to my brother.
however i found it an apt opportunity to let them know, again, that i do smoke.

i've always been a mighty fan and supporter of honesty. but somehow it always seems to backfire when i'm trying my best to be honest with my parents and God, please help me understand why this happens.

and as always, they took it as an apt opportunity to attack my seemingly ambiguous sexuality. twice in a week i have heard both parents tell me that they'd rather not have kids if this (me and my brother) is how we turned out to be.

i am already 21 years of age and all i still want is some sort of an approval. of my parents to be proud of the person that i have become. of the good person i am trying to become. regardless how religious i am, or the sexuality of the person who i am attracted to at any one moment and in the way i choose to maintain and manage my individuality as person.

all i would like you to do is listen. to stop fighting and just breathe. to realise it's all not so bad. we're struggling. yes.

if you're telling me that my seemingly lack of faith in God, that i don't pray and respect my parents and things, is the reason why i am not succeeding as i should in life. that i'm always going to be behind. okay, fine. i get that. to an extent i believe it to be true somewhat.

then again. why did dad lose his job twice? why did you have that bad leg that hurts once in awhile? why is dad still in fear of losing his job? why do you have to put up through the pain and work? and you both have changed since i was little. dad's stopped drinking. the both of you are now pious. so how did you mess up and why isn't God allowing the easy life that he should based on your theory? why did he 'bless' you with me and my brother? both of you are repenting for your sins.

you put a lot of faith in God. i respect that. i really do. but we can't just leave it all in His hands. we've to fucking work for it too. things don't come easy because at the end of it, they're all tests. tests to see how worthy you are of something great. so work with me. hear me out. every time you yell at me. i am listening. every word affects me much more than you ever thought it would or could.

but i try not to show it. i don't want you to start thinking i can't handle things.

that's the last think i want you to think. that i'm not good enough.

i write better.

2011-10-02T12:36:00.000+08:00

he's angry because you're not allowing him to have an outlet.

so he does the things that you dislike. you shut him down. don't do that. steer it away from what you dislike and to something you're okay with.

you did the same to me. you allowed me the guitar then you took it away. but i worked for it and got one myself. you couldn't take away that. you couldn't take away from me my own hard work.

we're both creative kids. we both need to do things with our hands.
i was lucky. i found an outlet. i found something i like to do. i like to shoot. you don't like it one bit but because i've made things happen for myself, you don't take it away from me. but you haven't stopped showing your dislike either.

he sees this and he keeps it. he keeps the anger. he's never understood why and he will never understand. the only person he truly compares himself with is me. problem is i've got a godly level for tolerance compared to him.

all he wants is for you to tell him that you're proud of something he's done. proud of the amount of hardwork he puts into his dancing. proud of him.

but you're not going allow for me to say this to you. because everytime i try, you shut me down with how you're hurt. and i feel it double. the both of us do.

we'll we're hurting too.

growing pains.

2011-10-02T12:23:00.002+08:00

i wanted to talk to you about your son. about why he's so frustrated, how he's acting out and what could possibly help him. we are his family after all.

but instead i get accused and beat down verbally.

you tell me you'd rather not have kids if this is how your kids are treating you? i don't respect you? i don't take into consideration how my actions will affect the way you feel?

i don't say anything because you're angry. because i'm thinking you're angry and you're not thinking rationally.

i wanted to tell you that your son might not come home tonight because he's angry.

but now i'm too afraid to tell you that.

the way that they looked at each other.

2011-09-25T11:01:00.000+08:00

i fell in love with that.

simply how they looked at each other. it was decent. it was cute. it was meaningful. it was alot of hardwork put into that look.

they were in love.

the only reason i was looking was because i was curious. i was curious as to if they were friends. or family perhaps. they held hands so confidently and proud of themselves. of each other.

two grown japanese or korean women. just sitting there in the train. talking. smiling. and exchanging very cute kisses. it was a moment i recognised. it was a moment i could relate to. wanting to kiss someone just because you knew you could.

6 months ago i would've been jealous. i wanted to feel as they did.

but today and right now, no.

i think i have what they do.

strange and unprepared.

2011-09-23T01:49:00.000+08:00

you nearly killed me tonight.

everytime you get upset the only thing i want to do is hold you. keep you safe. a struggle in my head, what words to say, and what words not to say.

but you nearly killed me tonight.

not being able to touch you for 3 weeks now and know it's another 3 weeks i have to go without touching you. and holding you. and being able to wipe away those tears.

you nearly killed me.

i tried. i hope you're okay now. i hope you have a good dream.
i cannot wait to call you when it's daylight. i'd call you now if i could.

where am i at?

2011-09-21T00:41:00.000+08:00

i don't know.

my thesis film that i shot, and by that i mean really did shoot it, got into the 10th ISFVF. i think it's the tenth. and i suppose it's pretty prestigious since it's by the beijing film academy.

anyways, it occured to me today how my group, me and the people i worked with on this, are pretty sad people right now.

our film's gone to so many places but two of us are stuck in school and not doing anything we actually want to i think, well i can't say for the other, one of us is unwillingly serving the nation and the other is working at the local resorts' show 'La Vie'.

well, it just feels to me like we're lagging behind somehow. as in, in the real world pertaining to film that is. it's just my opinion. i don't know what the other 3 think.

other than that, i am down with the flu.

and it's another 3 weeks before i see my favourite person.

not a dandy night tonight.

not tonight.

communication is key.

2011-09-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

i've always known how important good communication is. or just actual communication basically.

but i've never realised the effects it has on me till lately.

and a little more today.

hoping to see a missed call in the morning.

3429.426km

2011-09-17T03:04:00.000+08:00

that's how far away the person i would like a hug from is from me.

and i have to wait another 25 days.

3429.426km.

keep telling yourself 'soon'.

2011-09-17T02:57:00.000+08:00

1) the quiet moments of uncertainty.
2) when we mask our vulnerability behind walls of pride.
3) how our negativity affects the other that badly.
4) the wholesome texts and conversations.
5) what the word wholesome means to me now.
6) arm lengths distances.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

2011-09-10T02:53:00.000+08:00

the hours to my days have felt rather long. but the days themselves have been passing by rather quickly with school and routine slowly building.

also, haven't had the time to be writing letters lately. and not that i've written many. but i have been writing. and i've only been writing to a certain someone.

in other news, i'm looking for a different title to a piece of work i've been working on for awhile now. i'm looking for a film sort of title. this will be fun. and i will definitely have to push for this project to work since i've been working on it since January this year. not that it's a long time. but since it's been staged, i've grown rather fond of it. very fond.

i can't remember the last time i wrote like this. oh well.

i hope you have a good weekend!

always put on hold your feelings till you get a clearer enough picture.

2011-08-14T10:28:00.000+08:00

hating on feeling angry.

2011-08-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

if this is irrational behaviour and feeling.

then i guess maybe i need to grow up. and my view point on this is totally immature. that i'm thinking too much out of it.

if i have a problem, one of abandonment.

then i am angry and confused at everything. on top of that i feel betrayed as i remember conversations that we had. 'sometimes i'm bound to forget.' well, it doesn't feel like sometimes anymore. and also to me you look slightly hypocritical right now. 'i feel the same way too.' but it doesn't seem like it.

a non-angry, mature way to think bout all of this is, though it may not be true.

then i guess we grew out.

what is now. i am angry and upset and confused and betrayed and i guess i really do have this problem that is most easily identified as abandonment issues.

i don't know what to do about it, cause i tried confrontation once with you(s) and it didn't end well. not for me.

holy fucking hell, i miss you(s).

yin and fucking yan

2011-08-10T11:38:00.000+08:00

when i start to feel good about something. when i start to be happy.

something happens that breaks me down to the polar opposite. to the ground and under.

but it makes the good stuff twice better.

when you can't lie to yourself. when things are not okay, and you know it.

2011-08-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

some nights, things just go bad.

tonight, one of them.

an accumulation of many days and nights. of bad shit. of double standards. of feeling neglect. of having no direction. of being exhausted. of not having enough rest. of not feeling appreciated. of having to sacrifice. of having sacrifice unseen. of going to sleep with a heavy heart. of waking up with a smile. of getting hugs. of being loved. of wondering why things are never fair. and of having to deal with everything.

upset. with what i cannot control: time.

2011-08-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

every 24th hour of absence, the frustration creeps up slowly, getting under my skin every fucking time.

time is a factor of many things which i cannot control and have always understood that. only when it presents to me an opportunity for effort to be made then the effort will be made. but when it doesn't. when there's no gateway. no parallel break. when there is nothing i can do without upsetting the bigger time schedule: i can't help but get upset.

there was a point to this. but now that i've started it, i've lost my direction. this is as fuzzy as i get when something's amiss.

Ramadhan's here again.

2011-08-01T15:21:00.000+08:00

right. so, alot of things i've been wanting to write about but haven't exactly found the words or remember to actually write about.

and it's that time of the year again, Ramadhan.

well, for starters, i'm just really thankful. this year, especially the last few months, have been rather surprising and brilliant.

have a good ramadhan ahead!

self indulgent rant.

2011-07-13T01:34:00.001+08:00

self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant.

okay. so maybe i just need to get back into the things that i used to do. the things that which make me feel alive. problem is those things are hobbies. hobbies where i no longer own the material gains to. i need to work for this. i need to remind myself to work for this.

a skateboard and a guitar would be nice. a good skateboard and a good guitar that is. none of the rubbish. only the best for material gains.

self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant. self indulgent rant.

missing being under the buzz of it.

2011-07-13T01:30:00.000+08:00

i don't know what is this i am feeling.

it feels like i miss myself.

it sounds weird. i'm aware of that. and not that i'm complaining with the type of person i've become lately. well, for the most part of it anyways. (though i'm pretty sure some 'out of character' behaviour lately have been a bit too much for the people around me to handle.)

just that, running thoughts wise that is, my very sins have made me who i am today haven't they? i've thought, acted, learned, and grown from those experiences. and honest to god, i am missing enjoying a drink at a bar or somewhere of the like right now.

i miss everything that comes with having that buzz. how things are perceived. how i feel. how i relate to things. and no i haven't sworn it off or anything of the like.

staying away from it for reasons i do not wish to explain to you. but i am certain that i haven't made any promises not to. no promises that i remember right now anyways. and i don't know if in the future i will have another drink.

what i do know is that tonight, i miss it.

the uncle in paradise.

2011-07-12T20:04:00.000+08:00

a few weeks ago i remember waking up to a grumpy mother. something told me to just keep quiet and be patient. moments later she asks for stamps and i find out why.

that very morning she's just written a letter to her brother. her brother is in prison. for drug abuse.

what i do know of my uncle that he has a good heart. cause when he got out of prison the first time, he told me to be wise. to be smart. he gave me the typical 'choose your friends wisely' talk. typical but nothing but truth in it.

i thought all was good. he was back. because when i was younger i always wondered what happened to him. how he was. i missed him. even though i don't think we had much of a connection but i liked his vibe. and then he relapsed.

so now he's back in. i don't know when he's getting out again. even being at the halfway home took awhile last time. it took a long while. but he was around for hari raya. he was around and it seemed alright again.

so i heard he tells the family not to visit cause he knows how much of a hassle it is to get in. to see him. and he understands what he's done. mature i suppose. but today i can't help but wonder. ashamed?

he didn't come to the funeral when my late grandmother passed. that i wondered why. i will never know how he feels or what he's thinking of. and i can't even begin to imagine the amount of turmoil, this is the only thing i know definite, that he has to go through. what he does with his emotions is another think completely that i dare not explore. dare not question the ethics and morals of a man i know to have a good heart.

a man who most probably could smell the alcohol off of me when i was 15 but gave me the 'choose your friends wisely' talk as i sat in the passenger seat and he drove me home with the company van.

anyways, there's a letter in the mail from him today. a letter which i don't think my mother's read yet as she's most probably having dinner with my father right now. a letter in which i peeked and the first line said that he is well and he is healthy.

i wonder what my mother wrote to him. i do not question my mother's love for her brother. i wonder what was in that letter. i wonder how many times she's written to him. i wonder if anyone has written to him. especially after his absence at the funeral.

but i am glad he is well. i am glad he is healthy. of course i don't know how true his words are. but i'm glad that that's what i read when i peeked in the letter.

this only enforces within me why words can never be enough.

then again this is how i feel right now. it could could change in an hour.

an hour.

2011-07-06T14:52:00.001+08:00

it would be nice.

no interruptions. no calls. no text messages.

it would be more than just nice.

the problem has seized to exist.

2011-07-05T01:33:00.002+08:00

the problem of not being able to being able to feel calm despite a steady heartbeat and constant breathing.

i've a new found inner peace.

that moment.

2011-06-10T01:41:00.003+08:00

when you take my hand. trace imaginary lines. kneading my palm.

you breathe. slow. steady. calm. you sigh. you start to let go of your worries. your guard comes down.

you're no longer tense. you mold to fit me.

and this where you stop noticing me.

that i'm studying you studying me, studying the moment. absorbing it. trying to remember every detail of it.

i pray that i'm not just dreaming.
because every time my heart swells, happy.

cute with the glasses on, pretty without. yet i sometimes ache.

2011-06-09T02:21:00.002+08:00

i can't seem to figure out quick solutions to brighten things up for you and this frustrates me all the time.

this doesn't fit well in the scheme of things because all i really want to do most of the time is to be by your side. smile. and smile at anyone looking; thinking to myself 'yeah, i'm standing right where i want to.'

rewind/pause/play

2011-05-30T01:13:00.004+08:00

it's always easier to write about the bad stuff. the negative feelings.

but i want to remember the good as well. as hard as it is to write, i will try.

i don't think i've ever asked for much. and simplicity gets to me in ways i can't even begin to understand. five year old me, stood outside a department store on a weekend night for half an hour all alone. staring at mannequins apparently. i can't remember it but both my mom and dad tell me so.

anyways, thing is. with every passing day that i get by with. every fear seems slightly more ridiculous. slightly more foolish. as real as they are. to some degree i suppose the jokes are just distractions from those fears and who doesn't love to hear laughter? especially from the people you see as a little something and more. simply put, i love to hear yours.

point is, suddenly tragic doesn't seem so sad anymore. like it has a new found layer to it. one i refuse to understand because the new tragic i have in mind is of one that i can't even begin to describe. and don't even want to try describe.

so there are these moments i keep replaying in my head. they come to me as i'm fixing shelves of notebooks and trinkets for a mundane summer job.

moments that make my heart smile.

my heart feels good.

2011-05-09T15:11:00.003+08:00

i can explain it. i can explain why. but finding the right words isn't easy. i don't think i ever can find the right words.

and i don't think i have ever been this afraid yet fearless at the same time. it's always been feeling content and getting by with feeling content. not right now it isn't.

also i've always been about the indefinite you(s). but not so much anymore. not so much right now. i think it's safe to say there is a definite you right now.

definite. for right now.

and i'd like to keep right now for a long time to come.

this is how i work.

2011-04-26T03:41:00.001+08:00

i fear this might be or sound cliche.

you do something for so long you just settle into it.
i don't need to explain this. the comfort. the reliability. especially self-reliability.

and then comes the need for a change. so you do that too. and it feels good. it has been nothing but good.

now something comes along. of course it's one of the 'i totally did not see this coming but no doubt it's been brought up here and there occasionally and pretty often in recent times'. and then you think either 'it's about time' or 'this can't be for real' and laugh it off. you think about certain conversations you've had with those that know your head and heart well. conversations about having felt that something you were suppose to notice at least had already passed you by (you feel that you've missed it). and you feel the need to figure out what it is exactly.

days turn into weeks, with you feeling this way. then something comes along and you stop thinking about it. but in one moment, after a sort of dream you hadn't had in awhile, surfaced and put into metaphorical images your subconscious. in other words, what is now your fear and you.

that is of being trapped. being capable of escape but not trying it.

the latter is what worries you more. that somehow you do not trust yourself. you think it smarter to just not try at all. for self-preservation maybe. maybe it'll work for that. but no. it's too foolish a thing to be wasted, for self-preservation, that it becomes none the wiser but to just try.

you wish you could tell yourself 'there's no harm in trying'. but there is. cause to try, you'd need a goal. an aim of sorts. so you come up with one. and in doing so, you now have hope to reach that goal. you need the hope to drive you. you can't do without it.

and then you get too tired to think because you start to feel like you've never thought this much. and you realise you could do without it. without most of the thinking.

that was all just fluff.

point is : i'm trying.

XX - Night Time

2011-04-23T18:09:00.002+08:00

i can't help but feel the familiar walls growing.
the standard defences at the back of my head. situations, lines, lies.

it's just been too long since.

i don't know anything. but why does it feel like i feel everything?

the faces i don't analyze.

2011-04-11T01:46:00.002+08:00

you board a train and find yourself an empty seat. your posture remains straight up but your shoulders droop, exhausted. you look in front of you, into the mirror and you can't see your reflection.

you close your eyes. listening carefully to every word, every sound on the melancholic song that seems so apt, to the moment you're having now. you think it apt to just lie down. or lean. you think again. you're on a train. you look around and feel like talking to someone. you look at your phone.

just look. names come and go in your mind but no one really calls out to you. no one that'll take the exhaustion away. no one that can lift your spirit in the way you want to. you hear the next station being called out.

you think it's still quite a ride away. you open your eyes, look to the side and out at the passing scenery. it's night and the reflection from inside the train makes it hard to see anything. you look out anyways. you realise the song has changed. it still possesses the apt melancholic feel of the night. you look around and realise you still want to say hello to someone.

to have a conversation. you think about how apt it would be to sing the song you're listening to, to someone. you're aware you're alone. you try to figure out if you're lonely. you try for two seconds. you're too tired. you don't even sigh. you wonder how tomorrow will be like. you hope for a good nights' sleep. you don't bother asking for anything more tonight because you know it won't come.

another apt song comes on. it tells you 'one day on us, the sun may shine' and it tells you 'not to worry' and to 'carry on, living'. you accept the moment as it is.

this is how i felt tonight. april 11th 12:08a.m

2nd attempt at freewriting.

2011-03-29T00:29:00.000+08:00

March 29th 2011 12:06am

some people have this moment of epiphany and they realise the value of life. the true value of it.

it's not that feeling that you get when a natural or man-made disaster occurs and kills thousands or even millions. but a moment.

a moment that stays prolonged and evolves and develops into something more. a principle perhaps. but something lingering consistently that changes every step you make thereafter. heck, even every breath.

i've had those moments after religious classes or reading the news or after one of those late night (sometimes not so) conversations.

thing is all of these moments seemed to solidify itself right in front of my very eyes in the shape of a kitten. a 5 week old kitten who at the moment is 6 weeks of age. you could say, it's only been a week. that argument is valid, i agree.

but it's been months, maybe years even, of a consistent nagging feeling at the back of my mind and tugging at my heart strings that there is something more.

i believe in God. i do. i believe in a higher power. so maybe at the moment people can question my faith in my faith. if you take into consideration how often i pray or frankly how often i haven't been praying lately. but that still doesn't change anything. the strength of my faith may waver because of it. but i still have faith.

point is. as strong as this kitten may be. as stubborn, mischievous and annoying as she may be (right now creeping all over my desk as i write this); i want to keep her safe. at the back of my mind, i keep thinking of the many possibilities how she can be harmed which would result in death. or simply be hurt. and it kills me. it really does.

some know this but a reason as to why i adopted her was because i wanted to love again. fall in love with someone if not something and to care for it with all my heart. the moments where you get angry or upset by something only to have some other moment to completely eradicate the aforementioned negative moment and brings about a slight tug to your heart - this is that moment i believe everyone strives for every single day.

i suppose i'm lucky. no. i know i'm lucky. so what does this have to do with the value of life?

i don't know.

the fragility of it i think. of losing that small, seemingly insignificant moment. not only do i feel it metaphorically. but literally with my senses. the warmth of a spot slept on too long, the fuzziness of hair brushing against your feet, the tuna breath, the nibbling from growing teeth, the gentle push from leathery tiny paws, all if it.

that's life solidified.

so my thoughts are messy and i'm grasping at everything possible to keep a clear head to be able to write this. but hey, i am human and i get emotional. you may be thinking, this is a self-indulgent rant. i attempt to talk about life and my kitten but i'm writing and ignoring her. no, i am not.

every single moment of typing this, i take glances. making sure she's safe.

i just really want to keep her safe.

even with the crazy confusion and thus hurt, i've been a lot more crazy happy lately. and it's all cause of a kitten.

2011-03-22T12:25:00.001+08:00

i just want to sing to you.

2011-03-17T01:53:00.001+08:00

the other day i was alone and waiting for a bus home.
when another bus passed by and i just instantaneously thought:

'ijustwanttosingtoyoudamnit.'

and yes. it came to my mind that quick.

today i tried free-writing.

2011-03-08T23:18:00.001+08:00

this is what i wrote today. i was alone and i just felt like writing.
(posting it up now before i lose the nerve too.)

March 8th, 10:10p.m

all he needed was someone to notice him. just notice him. a scoff. a smile. anything would be appropriate for the moment. he just needed someone to notice him. so he would know he is real. that what he is feeling is real. and that it is nothing more than a feeling.

the blank.

that is how he would've describe it. it is not loneliness. it is not anything negative. it is not calm. it it not welcoming. it is not anything positive.
all it was; or rather is - is a blank.

he needed to feel material. that he is made of some kind of material. it did not matter if it is not flesh and bone. he would be elated as fuck even if he was air. he just needed to feel like he was made of substance.

you can ask him to clarify himself. but that would be too much. he did not need all that. interaction is one other think completely. curiosity is something he cannot grasp. he would you rather let that be.

he just needed you to notice him. you did not even have to look at him.

ever had that one moment where you were reading something, somewhere and something else passes you by. you look up and maybe you see something, maybe you do not. well it is that exactly that he needs.

that moment when you realise something is different. something is off. something is there that makes you react. that first twitch of the muscle, of the senses. that one moment that you notice.

he cannot explain to you how it relates to him being real. or how everything relates. but he knows it does. he believes in it. he has faith in it.

something is different.

2011-03-07T02:57:00.003+08:00

i close my eyes. (and i feel your warm hand at the back of my neck.)

i let out a sigh. (and in the next breath it's your familiar scent.)

i curl up on my side. (and your body wraps itself around me.)

i look away. (and it's your eyes giving me sight.)

and then i scrolled through tumblr and i lost whatever it is i was feeling.

HAHAHAHA.

happy birthday mom.

2011-02-13T21:59:00.002+08:00

thank you for loving me despite my - well, having hurt you at times.

and thank you for showing me how to love.

i love you.

right before it all crashes i try to sleep.

2011-02-12T04:50:00.002+08:00

celebrated a close friends' 21st birthday. technically it was on the 9th.
the surprise shindig was tonight. well. it's almost 5 in the morning i just got back at four. you get the idea.

great ending to the week. fantabulous start to the weekend.

universe, just don't crash on me now. i don't want to hate you. i'd like to like someone. trying not to care much for love.

seemingly impossible. but is it really?

Edward Estlin Cummings

2011-02-03T01:13:00.001+08:00

i realised tonight then i never lost my ambition.

i just found something new along the way. with the visuals and the eyes.

but i never lost it with the reading and the writing.

consistency in my subconscious. this is good.

i am content.

everybody, everybody just wanna play the lead.

2010-11-23T01:27:00.002+08:00

transparency has done me well always, it not often.
sometimes it hurts, sets me back abit.

but in the grand scheme of it all. it works out.

don't deny it now. think about it. amongst every other thing you can possibly feel by telling the truth, have you not ever felt it was good in some way?

revenge works the same. in a sense.
i am not in the mood for this.

emotions are such a blurry thing.

noone ever asks the easy questions nowadays.

2010-10-26T00:18:00.002+08:00

i am hurting yes.

i know that about every other person is.

and like you, yes i am looking for something worthwhile to invest my full interest in.
but unlike some of you i'm focusing on what i already got.

and that's the multiple You(s).

it helps me get by.

i am one part angry. one part devastation. one part miserable.

but all parts getting by.

watch me. when you think that i don't know.

2010-10-05T01:35:00.002+08:00

i cannot recall what week of school this is. but i do have midterms soon.

i think i'll eventually lose this blog because i forget i have it. i honestly did.

have been doing nothing more but write lately. good. but tiring. very tiring.

more writing to be done. midterms soon. i know. i've mentioned it already.

ready. set. step back.

2010-09-05T01:57:00.001+08:00

had school for a week.

got my mind on anything but.

let's hope i don't screw myself over too much.

i tell myself to breathe.

2010-08-16T23:36:00.003+08:00

the past month has been nothing but surprises.

good ones mostly.

some odd twist of unfortunate circumstance here and there.

and.

school in two weeks.

distract me.

2010-07-13T23:54:00.003+08:00

i want my fists to hurt from holding on tight to fabric rather than hitting them against a surface.
i want my knees to find strength to stand rather than having the strength to kick something.
i want to feel the warmth of someone else other than the warmth of my blood and adrenaline.
i want to hear a heart beat other than the muffled screams into a pillow.

i want you to hold onto me not because i don't want to be alone.

i want a distraction. not you.

a distraction.

2010-06-27T01:21:00.001+08:00

so my mind shut down and all i could think about was how much everyone was hurting.

how much good could've been done.

i lost it for a minute. i'm sorry.

parents are extra nitpicky tonight.

2010-06-19T02:30:00.001+08:00

i haven't been home this late in a while.

i'm out with the kids you know and trust and remind me once and again i owe them.

earlier that was me and them sharing and giving fun times.
in a non-sexual, totally clean and non-kinky way.
just the usual smokes and jokes.

so what's the deal?

here's some music for you.

2010-06-13T01:27:00.002+08:00

The Fugees - A Change Is Gonna Come (Sam Cooke)

Julian Perretta - Wonder Why

Adele - That's It , I Quit, I'm Moving On (Sam Cooke)

the Sam Cooke originals are definitely ace. but thought i'd post some fresh covers.

coincidences.

2010-06-10T02:46:00.003+08:00

so when i worked at Mix i had this major crush on this girl who would frequent the place.
this girl has a kid sister.
and i keep bumping/seeing her around.

town. often in town.
KT Tunstall concert.
earlier this evening in Holland Village.

so when i was working i caught the kid sisters' name.
however hard i tried. i never had the opportunity to find out older sisters' name.

it's like waiting for a cab when you need one but it doesn't or takes forever to come but eventually you still get on one by some other means.
so i have hope that way. put a name to the face. would be nicer that way.
kinda creepy. but hey. some sort of...resolve.

i did try small talk with older sister once.
she most probably thought i was weird.

i don't get why these situation happens but it does.
it's amusing. yes.

oh. and it doesn't matter if you're not fucking fit anymore.
cause she's got one of those smiles that are pretty smiles for the smile itself.
i hope you understand me.

hopefully one day i'll know your name.

we've been there one time or another.

2010-06-04T04:10:00.002+08:00

my brother's waiting for a call at this hour that's not likely going to be made.

i'm trying to keep myself awake cause i'd rather be exhausted and not remember my dreams.

we're both upset. different degrees.
it feels surreal somehow.

it is J. June.

2010-06-04T02:27:00.002+08:00

i've always tried my best to emulate what and who it is i want to be.

to the point that it seems to be inbuilt in me. in the way i think and the way i react.
but they come with second guesses every other time.

like the chilled out, seemingly blase, thing i try to pull off.

i do want to scream in your face, what i think and what i feel, all the time if i could.
but i'd rather just say it when i'm certain.
and i do.

i don't when i'm afraid.
not because of uncertainty.
but afraid that in hearing myself say it and having you hear it makes it real. and when the realisation sets in it'd feel to me like a promise i can't live up to. not entirely.

i don't want to react with a biased point of view. or one with obligation.
i think i understand loyalty enough to differentiate. and to choose when i use it.

and in trying to figure out what i cannot or have not. i've lost it again.

maybe another time, another try.

godspeed.

Sometimes I like being stupid. Cause stupid decisions, actions, the works, make me feel alive or actually living life.

2010-06-03T01:39:00.000+08:00

I HAVE A DIPLOMA NOW.

2010-05-29T11:35:00.002+08:00

yeah.

graduation was on past Wednesday.

i need more excitement now.

2010-05-18T19:24:00.002+08:00

right.

still not much new i suppose.

well. there is new.

but yeah.

either i'm too lazy or i don't know where to begin.

this is floating.

2010-05-05T02:19:00.002+08:00

i am bored.

just floating around with nothing to tie me down.

nothing to keep me at home.
nothing to keep me out.

all i do is wait for opportunity to come by.
not doing much to make things happen. then again what can happen at this particular point in time?

since all i'm doing is waiting for graduation. waiting for Uni acceptance whatever.
to actually pursue something right now and to put it on hold or of the like in a few months when i should be starting something new and important just as the former is reaching a high point would be alot of things that'll result in being tired.

but this is already tiring as it is.

i need something more.
something i can reach for. it doesn't have to be within reach.
just reachable.

i don't like it.

2010-05-04T16:38:00.001+08:00

i don't like being the fucking fence.

i don't like it that you're angry at me cause he messed up.

i don't want to be a wall. you don't want me to be a wall.

so don't fucking push it.

2010-05-04T03:38:00.002+08:00

music is keeping me awake at the moment.

i need to sleep.

'Can't avoid what I can't control.'

2010-05-02T02:18:00.000+08:00

i guess now i know why i've been so fucking tired this past week. especially.

i don't want to be the bridge.

2010-05-02T02:07:00.002+08:00

that knows about the Radii shoes.

that tries to talk sense into you. not knowing what you think.

that has to listen to every rant about you not knowing what to say in defense.

you need to grow up.

i'm not sure if you see this right. and it worries me.

and it also pains me that i don't think i can do anything about this.

it fucking hurts.

just grow up.

and godfuckingspeed.

2010-04-19T03:56:00.003+08:00

i am aware of everything.

but i know nothing.

this is difficult.

burning through me.

2010-04-13T13:29:00.002+08:00

so grandmum's stayed here for two nights now.

i'm not sure how long more.

it's nice. yeah i suppose.
but it doesn't feel right feeling this way.

oh bugger.

2010-04-03T15:33:00.001+08:00

today i realised i'm content.

that it.

it feels odd, this obligatory feeling.

2010-04-02T01:35:00.003+08:00

it really does.

so dad said earlier.
'should go Bedok tomorrow. been awhile since the kids went there.'

i didn't even dare look at him the way i was feeling.
didn't say anything either.

so usually i go cause i feel i have too. not obligated.
but. like it's just the responsible thing to do.

like there's a line. when i go there. when i try to make myself seem at home. i'm supposed to feel at home. i just can't and don't feel it.

i haven't been there in months.
there's the boys. i'll talk to the boys.
even if they're only 5.

certain pains

2010-04-01T23:23:00.003+08:00

i saw a status update from facebook. and i remembered this :

there was this one time. i left my phone in the soccer clubhouse.
it's usual to be leaving personal things like a phone in a familiar place. and usual to remember to check for it before you leave.

but excitement fucking took over me.

something good was planned for the day after. a date of sorts.
and i already told you what happened.
it was that particular one time where i left my phone in the soccer clubhouse.

eventually the planned plan happened.
i honestly believe it would have been better for me today if i hadn't left my phone in the damned clubhouse.
but i took it as an omen. i for fucking real took it as an omen.
a bad one.

no idea why i did.

so i remembered.

i've been reading The Beach. i think it triggered something.
or woke me up a little. i can't tell for sure yet. i'm only slightly halfway through.

also i've been listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs' It's Blitz.
that should explain it too.

so i hope to see you under the sun or under the moon.
hopefully sometime soon.

here's whats now.

2010-04-01T01:25:00.002+08:00

so submitted first application to first uni.

guess it's started a rhythm of sorts to actually fort the ones i intended to in the first place. funny how i did the Chapman one first when it was most probably 2nd last on my list. last being having to work.

i realised i haven't been writing much. of anything at all.

and suddenly i've no longer the mood to write and want to watch Stephanie Leonidas on the telly.

2010-03-24T23:09:00.003+08:00

my attention span has been real short of late.

this is not good.

can't even watch a movie decent or hold that many conversations for long either.

that and my eyes are hurting.

other than that,

the FSV GRAD CHALET was on last night. well. the barbeque.
good food. great friends.

an accidental affair.

2010-03-19T23:49:00.001+08:00

even though i expected it, it sure felt like a lazy sunday afternoon type of accident.

maybe cause i had a lazy saturday evening before.

but thank you. (:

one of those.

2010-03-16T00:47:00.001+08:00

the night before.

had this dream, someone asked me something. i started crying.

no surprise i woke up feeling like my heart had been ripped out.

so. what now?

2010-03-05T12:54:00.002+08:00

i've nothing to say about it.

not right now. and i never get down to writing it down when i do have something to say.

working later. small job but it's still work and the start of something maybe.

and i'm mellower than i've ever been in awhile. this could be bad.

'if this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?'

2010-02-22T22:52:00.002+08:00

this problem with the throat and all is being a bitch.

and i'm down in the dumps. or whatever it is.
what could help me though is a McSpicy and sweet watermelon afterwards. to soothe the throat.

i am completely terrified of so many things/thinks right now.

there's this need for a new perspective.

moments like these i hate myself.

2010-02-21T01:33:00.003+08:00

sometimes i just remember things.
and usually it's bad than good ones.

but when i do i feel so very stupid.

could have done something. should have done something.

and i know i'm not the only one.

it's simple. i don't know how or what to do.
too afraid it'll go the wrong way.
but never having enough courage to risk it.

then again, not sure if it's worth the risk.

moments like these i hate myself.
a part of you would too.

it's all about perception.

2010-02-16T03:03:00.002+08:00

something's not right.

i think i know it.
and i try/don't want to/ don't need to be smart about it.
it's there and the important bit is i know and can feel it even though i don't want to.

one of things you can't help. but can control.

i just want to get by.
and at the end of the day.

have a little something to be proud of.

even though it may hurt a little.
and hopefully less so with time.

and i'm either a coward or brave.
it's all about perception

p.s :
i was listening to shrtl's (a.k.a tigerkitty) new tune when it got to me.

2010-02-13T00:06:00.003+08:00

i can't fucking stand this.

being on my toes the whole fucking week.

being questioned and questioning myself in return.

even when i look over for someone to lean on.
i fucking fall.

too much for one week.

remember to breathe.

2010-02-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

easy easy easy.

that about describes it.

it's rather difficult to figure out stubborn thoughts.

2010-02-06T04:13:00.002+08:00

awake on my bed at 4 in the morning.

closer to the weekend the week was generally good. brilliant actually.

yeahh..there's a but.

a theoretical but.

Even so..i am content.

when your little brother becomes a man.

2010-02-04T10:43:00.003+08:00

usually i'm cool with the girlfriend hanging out at our place.

BUT NOT AT TEN IN THE MORNING AND ON A SCHOOL DAY.

i told my brother she better leave soon.

AND I HOPE SHE DOES.

i don't mean to be rude or mean.

but someone needs to care.

even though i feel somewhat obligated cause i know about almost everything.

i think he's somewhat taken aback by my reaction and is angry now.

BUT I REALLY WOULD FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE IF SHE LEAVES SOON. BY SOON I MEAN IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES.

smart ass moves.

2010-02-02T23:06:00.001+08:00

i have an idea for st. valentines day.
i think it's brilliant.
i hope you do too.

but now to come up with a list of who.

i do not want to go back there again.

2010-01-31T23:35:00.002+08:00

had to call home to get someone to slip back the ledge so i could open the door to get in.

so mum woke up.

now she's sitting in the living room.
i said 'go sleep already'
she said 'easy for you to say - (and some other bits that get to your heart)'

now i'm too afraid to go to open the door of my room.
i don't know what to expect.

it's like deja vu.

from a bad time and a bad place a few years ago.
and i very much do not want to go there.
too much hurt. to much hate.

too much bad fucked up shit for this home that almost everyone i know calls cozy.

my brother just came into my room and immediately said 'she's not there already'

we all know that things are not good.

and i get the vibe that everyone's asking 'where did i go wrong?'

i still remember seeing you cry.
and i still remember you telling me about it.

but what i don't remember is me asking you why you were crying.

but the fact is i did.
i might have been 5 then.
i was braver to ask then.

doesn't mean i don't still feel the same.

i just really want it to get better.

what more now?

2010-01-31T17:18:00.002+08:00

i can never tell when it's a good or bad time for anything the past few days.

maybe the previous post was a bad idea.

2010-01-27T23:55:00.000+08:00

but i'll just leave it there.

i fucked up bad.

2010-01-27T17:59:00.002+08:00

Part 1.

dear friend,

I understand that under the influence of alcohol I've committed an act of distrust.

I am deeply disappointed with myself that I've allowed such a thing to happen. And sincerely I apologise.

I have completely no idea how to tell you how sorry I am for having allowed this awkward thing to be and that the social distrust that now surrounds us is of no surprise.

I am really really sorry.

I confess, in the chaos of my influenced mind, I did at a point find you very attractive and decided to act upon it without much thought of consequence and pretty much was a dickhed. Which did occur to me at a much later time when I woke up with one hell of a headache. And a heavy heart.

I can only assume what it is you feel and think and with every possibility that comes to mind I find reasons that make such a thing as loathe and distrust very possible and reasonable.

(just realised every sentence starts with I. kinda odd.)

but then there's this :

Part 2.

i was almost drunk(i say almost because i remember). definitely wasn't thinking straight. i can't say for sure if or not i took advantage of the situation. i really don't know.

but i know i fucked up and i fucked up bad.

we could walk on eggshells or pretend it's all cool.
but there's going to be a wall. a bad one of uncertainty. of distrust perhaps. and i dread the damn wall.

sometimes i think of it this way.
that i'm young. i was under the influence. it was an experience. nothing more nothing less. just lucky, in a way, i was in good company when i couldn't control myself. and that you are someone i trust and respect.

therefore i do not regret it as i see nothing for me to regret.

but you're not suppose to do such things to people you respect and care for. not suppose to abuse that trust.

and because of that i have a heavy heart.

i want to make things right. or try to.

but i don't know how. or where to start.

i fear i may have lost your trust and that breaks my heart.

i do apologise.

this is confusing.

2010-01-23T03:55:00.000+08:00

for a moment i was completely angry.

for a moment.

2010-01-23T03:36:00.002+08:00

i don't know how to write this particular post.

you know how sometimes people describe the moment of choosing as a 'split second decision'?

right now i think that's a load of bull.

cause i wished that it was and that i had chosen otherwise.

bloody curious now.

rather proud of myself.

2010-01-21T10:45:00.003+08:00

with the resistance and all.

after 12 hours and some sleep I AM STILL DISTRACTED.

damn you.

at this very minute.

2010-01-19T02:13:00.001+08:00

i am in need of a friend.

but my options are so limited.

it is 2:14 of a weekday morning.

morning after : hello new year.

2010-01-01T12:34:00.000+08:00

at starbucks with most of the Left Hook Team.

it's such a bloody lazy monday morning.

not sure if it's from the fact that it's Monday morning or the morning after new year celebrations. could be both.

well.

hello. hope you're having a good morning after.

and godspeed. (:

1 and half hour away

2009-12-31T22:37:00.002+08:00

so.

christmas came and went.

it's new years eve tonight and i'm about an hour and half away from the new year.

i'm not out partying.
actually the point is -

i'm not out at all.

this is slightly disheartening.

didn't make an effort to make plans or to even follow through on plans already made.

parentals making brother dearest stay home. he had plans.

i'm home.
out of cigarettes.
don't intend on drinking.

but i guess what's important is that i'm with family.

tomorrow with friends and the whole weekend with family too.
cousin getting married.

well.

godspeed.