shut me down. quiet now. quiet now.

parental unit found a packet of rollies on my table. the rollies belong to my brother.
however i found it an apt opportunity to let them know, again, that i do smoke.

i've always been a mighty fan and supporter of honesty. but somehow it always seems to backfire when i'm trying my best to be honest with my parents and God, please help me understand why this happens.

and as always, they took it as an apt opportunity to attack my seemingly ambiguous sexuality. twice in a week i have heard both parents tell me that they'd rather not have kids if this (me and my brother) is how we turned out to be.

i am already 21 years of age and all i still want is some sort of an approval. of my parents to be proud of the person that i have become. of the good person i am trying to become. regardless how religious i am, or the sexuality of the person who i am attracted to at any one moment and in the way i choose to maintain and manage my individuality as person.

all i would like you to do is listen. to stop fighting and just breathe. to realise it's all not so bad. we're struggling. yes.

if you're telling me that my seemingly lack of faith in God, that i don't pray and respect my parents and things, is the reason why i am not succeeding as i should in life. that i'm always going to be behind. okay, fine. i get that. to an extent i believe it to be true somewhat.

then again. why did dad lose his job twice? why did you have that bad leg that hurts once in awhile? why is dad still in fear of losing his job? why do you have to put up through the pain and work? and you both have changed since i was little. dad's stopped drinking. the both of you are now pious. so how did you mess up and why isn't God allowing the easy life that he should based on your theory? why did he 'bless' you with me and my brother? both of you are repenting for your sins.

you put a lot of faith in God. i respect that. i really do. but we can't just leave it all in His hands. we've to fucking work for it too. things don't come easy because at the end of it, they're all tests. tests to see how worthy you are of something great. so work with me. hear me out. every time you yell at me. i am listening. every word affects me much more than you ever thought it would or could.

but i try not to show it. i don't want you to start thinking i can't handle things.

that's the last think i want you to think. that i'm not good enough.